Is September a bad month for movies?
The Toxic Avenger
I, the Video Game Doomsayer, must confess I see too many movies. I do it to get a wide array of stories to learn from, but it does mean I leave the theaters with feelings of déjà vu. Take The Toxic Avenger remake, for example. The film is about Winston Gooze’s horrible accident that turns him into the titular Toxic Avenger. Dark humor and splatter horror violence does its best to make the film feel fresh, but the formulaic superhero origin story is the albatross on the film’s neck. Hollywood has flooded theaters with this type of film, to the point I appreciate it when a superhero series skips the origin story. I am hopeful my ticket to The Toxic Avenger will allow the filmmakers the ability to make a sequel in the vain of Spider-Man 2: a sequel that explores deeper themes surrounding the character. If you are looking for something with potential, then give The Toxic Avenger a watch. Hopefully, your support will help conjure up a sequel that will shake up the superhero genre.
Splitsville
After watching The Naked Gun have success, I felt the urge to loudly proclaim comedy is back from atop my soapbox. Alas, my loyal followers, my faith might have been misplaced. A comedy called Splitsville caught my attention for being a comedy about the situationalship that have sprung up in the dating landscape. The film revolves around a man named Carey, after recently discovering his wife wants a divorce, learning that his best friends are in an open marriage. Alas, I thought, in the age of polyamory and situationships, here comes a film to show us that we are in fact the emperor with no clothes. Unfortunately, to my dismay, Splitsville seems more invested in the drama between Carey and his friends, Julie and Paul, than the actual comedy of it all. It felt more like watching your college friend bicker about who slept with whom, while the comedy itself seems to be sidelined throughout the film. I am sure there is a near infinite well of jokes you can create revolving around current dating culture, and it’s recent obsession with open relationships, but alas, this just isn’t that movie.
The Crow (1994)
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! I am truly thankful I never saw this movie as a teenager. Between the relentless action, a tragic story that rivals Romeo and Juliet, and a soundtrack that got more people into rock n roll than Tony Hawk Pro Skater and Guitar Hero, I have no doubt The Crow would have consumed my adolescent mind. The path that has led me to the lifestyle of a vagabond, with soapboxes and cries of the end being nigh, would be traded in for one of black clothes, tattoos and piercings. The Crow walked, so both goth culture, superhero movies and John Wick could run. Go see this movie, and stay away from the 2024 remake. RIP Brendon Lee.
Spaceballs (1987)
HEAR YE!!! HEAR YE!!! I speculate one could spend the same amount of time watching all the parodies of Star Wars as they could watching the Star Wars films themselves. From Family Guy to Robot Chicken, I often feel like I saw parodies of Star Wars before seeing the iconic films themselves. I am fairly positive my first encounter with Star Wars mockery came in Toy Story 2, when the evil Emperor Zurg told Buzz Lightyear that he was his father. There’s no doubt in my mind the tradition of poking fun at Star Wars stemmed from the comedy Spaceballs, the original Star Wars parody.
For those of you unaware, Spaceballs is a film about a space-pilot named Lone-Star, played by Bill Pullman, and Barf, half-man, half-dog sidekick, played by John Candy, who must rescue a princess kidnapped by the evil group known as Spaceballs. From the comically oversized helmet of Dark Helmet to ships traveling at Ludicrous Speed to the greatest force in the galaxy being merchandising, there is nothing sacred in Star Wars that Spaceballs won’t mock. I won’t say Spaceballs is in love with Star Wars in a same way that Galaxy Quest loved Star Trek, but I do think it’s a stark reminder that we don’t have to take our movies about space wizards and evil empires so seriously. A lesson that we can certainly be reminded of in 2025.
The Long Walk
My loyal followers, I am often asked why I am drawn to horror. I am sure there is a deep-rooted reason, but I often like to tell people that if my biggest problem was being haunted by a ghost, life would be pretty good. However, we live in an age where it is becoming painfully obvious that the system isn’t broken, it’s working just as intended in its cruel and twisted design, to extract from the poor to feed the rich. Frankly, I have never seen that cruel intent translated to the big screen as I did with The Long Walk.
The film’s premise is simple: fifty teenage boys, each from a different state, compete in an annual televised contest to see who can walk the furthest. The winner gets his wish granted; the losers die. A more streamlined Hunger Games. To make matters worse, author Stephen King uses his trademark character development to craft a set of teenage boys so charming that you start hoping that all of them can get their own happy ending. Unfortunately, the film makes it very clear early on that nobody is getting a cheerful ending even if they win. As you watch the first contestant fall, a character so shy and meek that he might as well had a neon sign saying “first kill”, you feel a knot form in the pit of your stomach as you know more hard deaths are soon to come.
Yes, my loyal followers, the writing does a lot of heavy lifting in this film, but I wish to highlight the setting. The movie never makes clear where specifically the walk is taking place. What it does, is highlight just how poor and desolate America has become. Most urban areas are ghost towns, and the rural areas, reek of death and decay. All the life along this route sapped out of it as the boys walk past families covered with dirt and grime; carcasses of farm animals lay on the side of the road. Frankly, in these desolate scenes, I saw the future for America, where health care and food for these children were traded away for ballroom bliss. The Long Walk haunts me in a way no other horror movie could, because this is the path America is current on. I know ghosts don’t exist, but a future resembling this film is most certainly possible.
Spinal Tap II: The End Continues
Having just witnessed the first Spinal Tap mockumentary just a month ago, I was ecstatic to see a sequel coming out this month. Hot off the heels of everyone mocking AC/DC for touring when all of them should be sitting comfortably in a giant armchair in a retirement home, I knew there was a deep well of humor the film could pull from. With the film setting itself up as a reunion tour, I sat licking my lips at all the mockery the film had prepared for me. Alas, the film does not reach even close to the heights of the original.
It continuously sets up jokes and never finds a punch line worth pulling. For example, with the running gag that every Spinal Tap drummer dies while playing for the band, they decide to recruit a younger drummer for the tour. With her being a woman, the aging bandmates begin to hit on her, only to stop when they discover she’s a lesbian. There is no confusion among the nearly 80-year-old bandmates about her sexual orientation, no continued flirting despite her making her intentions clear, nor even the low-hanging fruit joke of one of them asking if she’s tried a relationship with a man. Now, I am not going to stand atop my soapbox and claim that we were robbed of a brilliant joke, but I do ask why even set up the joke if you are not going to deliver. I am sure many of you are shouting that maybe the point of the film is that the old bands will never reach the height of their former glory, so naturally, a sequel will fail to reach those same heights. Sure, while I certainly agree with that point, did you have to waste an hour and a half of my time to make it?
Him
Jordan Peele, may you heed the word of this poorly vagabond. I can understand why you were irate to lose out on the opportunity to be involved with Weapons, but I wouldn’t completely write off Him, the football horror film. Now I won’t say Him is the better film, but as someone who has confessed his undying love for Silent Hill 2, I do think there was something here. One review I watched suggest the idea that our protagonist, Cam, died when he got his second concussion, and is having his drive and ambition used to torture him in hell. With that idea planted in my skull, the movie certainly clicked for me. I can picture audience members failing to see the symbolism without context that Cam had been killed, and even some moments don’t quite match up with my theory. I imagine if the film had something similar to Silent Hill’s rust covered world to provide that visual clue that Cam was no longer alive, movie goers would be able to piece it all together. However, if you are fascinated by horror films that ask if selling your soul was worth the price, then you might find some enjoyment in Him.
The Warriors (1979)
My LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! I unfortunately, just don’t have much to say about the 1979 cult classic, The Warriors. The film is about a gang called the Warriors, who travel to the Bronx when a respected gang leader invites members from every gang to attend a get-together. After the same gang leader is shot, The Warriors must make it back to Coney Island after being framed for the killing. I frankly, didn’t care much for this film. The dialogue is all drawn out and serious, like the gang life is a matter of life and death, but all the gangs consist of young teens. Many of said gangs coordinate their outfit like they are a gang from the Pokémon series; how can you ask me to take this movie seriously when one group is running around with bats and baseball uniforms? It just feels cartoonish, especially when one of the Warriors gets arrested for trying to pick up an undercover cop. I did enjoy the radio DJ who puts the hit out on the radio, but that’s only because she clearly inspired similar DJs in the John Wick series. Maybe you might enjoy this film if you are nostalgic for late 70s, early 80s New York City, but for me, I don’t plan on picking up this film again.
One Battle After Another
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! It brings me no joy to say this, but when I think of One Battle After Another, the word that comes to mind is indifferent. I wrestled with my thoughts for this one for nights and days. I do not deny the craftsmanship on display. Between the writing, directing and acting, everyone is working overtime to bring Paul Thomas Anderson’s story to life. A story of a burnt out ex-revolutionary stoner, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, trying to rescue his daughter from a colonial officer.
Yet I have no desire to rewatch this film. I think it ultimately boils down to the clashing tones within the film. The film illustrates everybody and anybody in power, rightfully so, as a bunch of childish brats plotting to throw water balloons at anyone who is not in the clubhouse. Yet as soon as the army moves in to capture Bob (DiCaprio’s character) or members of Sensei Sergio’s community, it becomes as serious as Civil War, even though most scenes with Bob are played for laughs. I am not saying that you can’t have a film that both mocks power and humanizes their victims, but One Battle After Another fails to walk this tonal tightrope in a way that feels satisfying. If the film sounds compelling, please check it out, but for me, I am not sure that I would give this one a second viewing.
Brazil (1985)
Surely, this film about a bureaucrat getting lost in a maze of paperwork and middle managers run by a fascist government will have no bearing to the life we live in 2025. Between Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Brazil, this has been the year I discovered and fell in love with Terry Gilliam’s work. His ability to craft every film into a surreal acid trip that’s still able to hold a mirror up to society, is one that I hope to master one day. Go watch Brazil.