GOOD TIDINGS AND CHEER, TO ALL OF YOU MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! Since the Christmas season is upon us, I figure we could take all the films I watched with friends and family and discuss whether the Christmas season is vital to these movies. Is it pivotal to the story and themes that these films take place during the holiday season? Or is this simply a marketing ploy to fatten the fourth quarter profit margins. Let the yuletide movie marathon begin!
Wicked: For Good
Heed your torches and pitchforks, my loyal followers. I am aware Wicked: For Good does not have any festive theme, nor am I planning to argue whether the story can function with or without them. I simply enjoyed the first Wicked film enough to seek the conclusion to this tale. With that said, I didn’t quite enjoy Wicked: For Good as much as the previous film. Yes, the sets, costumes, songs, and pageantry are all up to the same standards as the previous entry, but the film’s pace makes me feel like I am being rushed around inside a giant Kansas tornado.
One minute I am watching Elphaba transform Boq into the Tin Man, and another I am watching her have a slap fight with Glinda. These scenes just aren’t given a second to breathe in a way they were in the previous film. I understand these moments move at a similar pace as the Broadway musical, but why not take the opportunity to improve upon the play. Why not extend the story into a trilogy? Add more songs, more character moments? Sure these might not reach the height of the best moments from the musical, but are fans really going to complain about having more Wicked? ALAS, I THINK NOT!
None of this certainly takes away from the success either film has received. Had a younger version of me been told I would enjoy two movies based on the Wicked play, I surely would have scoffed at the notion. Alas, I will always gaze up at the stars and wonder what could have been. If we could have had three great films, instead of one great and one solid in its own way films.
Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)
I reckon the jury seems to be out on whether this is a film involving the holiday cheer, my loyal followers. However, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure was part of the cult classics collection a local theater had chosen for the month of December. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure opens to the titular Pee-Wee Herman awake in a Christmas-esque bedroom. His sheets are donned in a pretty Christmas-like red, his toys are laid about as if they were hastily unwrapped, and I have a Berenstain-Bears-esque moment, where I swear there’s a Christmas tree behind the fire pole in Pee-Wee’s room. Alas, the tree doesn’t exist, nor do they mention the holiday throughout the movie. One could speculate that Pee-Wee could have received his infamous bike, which he loses and spends the rest of the film trying to find, as a bike he received as a Christmas present. I must confess to you, my followers, that I find that theory to be a bit of a stretch.
Ultimately, I think Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure feels more like a summer break adventure than a holiday story. If Tim Burton wanted the film to involve the holiday more, we would need more Christmas imagery: an actual Christmas tree in Pee-Wee’s house, a ribbon on his bike to symbolize it being a present, or Christmas lights strung up throughout the town. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is certainly a joyous little road trip, but not one I would consider draped in holiday themes.
Gremlins (1984)
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS, I can envision a world where the Gremlins takes place in the spring or summertime. To me, Gremlins is a cautionary tale about a child being given the responsibility of taking care of a family pet too early. Rather than having a new puppy pooping inside the house, we have the Gremlins, a cute but destructive creature that can harbinger unending chaos if not watched properly. Purchasing a pet for an unprepared child is certainly not exclusive to Christmas, but we have all heard horror stories of families who get a pet at Christmas and have the novelty wear off by January. With that in mind, it only makes sense to marry the themes and narratives of this film to the gifting-giving season. Hopefully, Gremlins could dissuade a few parents from giving into their kids’ cries for a puppy that they know they have no plans on walking.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU GAWKING AND SNEERING!!! Here comes the grouchy old Doomsayer to cry humbug about another horror film trying to be juvenile by juxtaposing Christmas and Halloween. Yes, my loyal followers, I still think very few films can marry the frightful nature of Halloween with the more jovial Christmas cheer, but I am willing to give Silent Night, Deadly Night a pass. The film revolves around a kid named Billy, who has a yearly ritual of dressing as Santa Claus and murdering people after witnessing his parents befalling a similar fate. If this plot sounds familiar to you, it is due to it being a remake of the 1984 cult classic of the same name.
As you witness Billy hack people into bits disguised as the jolly mascot of Christmas, you slowly learn Billy tries to murder people who are likely on old Kris Kringle’s naughty list; a real life Krampus, one could say. From pedophiles to Nazis, Billy is delivering a knife to their gut rather than Saint Nicholas’s usual lump of coal. That said, this film would end up being another dime store slasher if you removed the imagery of Santa Claus crossing off another name from the naughty list. For that, it can stay as a Christmas slasher.
Alas, just because it has my blessing to keep its holiday themes, doesn’t mean I enjoyed my time with the film. I ultimately felt the film plays it way too safe. For one, there is an almost Hallmark-channel-esque romance between Billy and this daughter of a store clerk in a small town. At first glance, you could assume the film is trying to be a Heart Eyes-like parody of those cheesy Christmas films, but it never attempts to say anything clear about them. It just copies the cliché romance just to have one. Secondly, as mentioned earlier, Billy frankly goes for some kills that are not at all shocking. Oh wow, you killed a room full of random Nazis; how brave of you. You’re never going to top Inglorious Bastards, so stop trying.
The more interesting angle would be for Billy to address the morality of there being a naughty and nice list. Morality is gray. By all means, have Billy kill a Nazi or two, but then why not move on to a struggling waitress stealing from the register. Surely having Billy question if a few bad mistakes should truly land you on the naughty list would be a more interesting movie. It would certainly be more interesting than the bland romance I was forced to suffer through, but alas, the version of this film I envision simply does not exist. I will never have that movie, but if what I have described tickles your slasher fancy, then by all means have at it. I will simply watch The Nightmare Before Christmas to get my Halloween-in-my-Christmas-peanut-butter mix that I crave.
Black Christmas (1974)
GATHER ROUND MY FOLLOWERS!!! IT IS THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE MOMENT WHEN I SAY A MOVIE DOESN’T NEED TO TAKE PLACE AT CHRISTMAS!!! The film I present to you is the 1974 cult classic Black Christmas. For those who might have missed this one, Black Christmas is a film about a group of sorority girls preparing to head back home for Christmas break. During the chaos, a killer is able to sneak into their attic, and begins picking off the girls one by one. It’s a relatively tame slasher by today’s standards, but being nearly fifty years old, I can imagine it really turning some heads during its day.
Unfortunately, the film doesn’t really do anything with its Christmas setting. Sure some of the girls aren’t looking forward to seeing their parents and surprising knocks at the doors come from Christmas carolers, but no Christmas themes are woven into the story. A mysterious killer gets in and slowly picks off the girls as they come and go. Frankly, you could set this film just before spring break and get functionally the exact same movie. If themes of redemption and family aren’t pivotal to your story, then why even set the movie during Christmas.
Home Alone (1990)
GATHER FORTH MY FOLLOWERS!!! For I can imagine an alternative universe where there exists a film. A film where a family accidentally leaves one of their children home as they venture off for a summer vacation. The child naturally does everything his parents forbid him to do and when a group of bandits come by the house, he leads them to a maze of booby traps. No doubt this film appears to be identical to the 1990 classic Home Alone, but I fear it would not have the same level of charm. Watching Kevin torture the infamous Harry and Marv becomes all that more satisfying after he learns that the holidays just aren’t the same without his family, or you shouldn’t judge someone by how they look. Yes, these themes aren’t exclusive to the holidays, but blend so well with the non-materialist values of Christmas, it would be almost criminal to not set this movie at the holiday season.
Home Alone 2 (1992)
SING WITH ME MY FOLLOWERS: SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST. I confess that it isn’t entirely fair to say Home Alone 2 doesn’t raise the stakes for the young Kevin McCallister. Going from his small neighborhood and tricking pizza delivery guys to the Big Apple and fooling hotel staff, is a big leap for the titular eight year old. Alas, It feels odd to watch Kevin and his mother have the same exact argument that triggered the events of the first film. Then throughout the film, Kevin learns the exact same lessons about family and judging people for how they look. I applaud the writers for recognizing that a sequel needed to be somewhere bigger like New York, but immediately question why we are repeating story beats. I don’t berate the story because I don’t enjoy the film. It will always bring a smile to my face. I just think we can have characters who can learn different lessons between movies, even if they are eight years old. Despite the film feeling oddly similar to the prequel, I will confess that Home Alone 2 utilizes Christmas themes to justify taking place during the holiday season.
Die Hard (1988)
HEED THOSE TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS, ONCE MORE, MY FOLLOWERS!!! I know I have discussed my thoughts on Die Hard before, but there is one additional comment I want to make. I believe if you set this movie in the summer, made the party a summer outing or quarterly celebration, Die Hard would be the exact same film. Yes you wouldn’t get iconic lines like “Now I have a machine gun, Ho-Ho-Ho” or “It’s Christmas Theo, it’s the time of miracles.” Yet themes of joy and generosity are not really present throughout the film. Yes, John McClane is working to reunite with his family, but so is every hero in every action movie. I do admit, the Christmas decor does make the film stand out in a sea of 80s action films, but the movie would most definitely survive without it.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
There is no monologue that perfectly captures everything wrong with Christmas then The Grinch’s speech at the end of the Whobilation. How greed and avarice have their grips firmly on the people of Whoville, and yet, everything they give as gifts is eventually tossed in the trash. The Grinch’s tale becomes even darker when you start to realize this is probably how he came into possession of his furry companion Max. Fortunately, both the Grinch and the people of Whoville are able to learn that gifts aren’t what makes the holidays special. It’s spending time with the people you cherish. Combine all of this with Jim Carrey’s over the top performance, and I, the Video Game Doomsayer will happily admit How the Grinch Stole Christmas is the one Christmas film that will make my heart grow three sizes upon each viewing. I dare not even dream of a world where this film could exist without the Christmas season.
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
GATHER FORTH ALL WHO STAND BEFORE ME!!! There is certainly a universe where both Charles Dickens’s Christmas Carol and the Muppet’s version of the story do not revolve around the titular holiday. The tale could be written as an old greedy man simply being haunted by spirits of the past, present, and future. Yet I picture a story just as cold as Scrooge’s own home. From scenes where a young Scrooge can finally go home on Christmas, to Scrooge finally feeling some cheer at Fozziwig’s Christmas party, or the disheartening Christmas dinner at the Cratchit’s may not have existed without the Christmas lens that the story has. Even the ending when Scrooge finally repents and reforms himself into a benevolent man would feel very different if it happened on a random Tuesday. I applaud Michael Caine for taking this role as seriously as he did in a very unserious movie, and would love to see the Muppets adapt more classic literature. Nolan, you coward, why didn’t you make The Odyssey with the Muppets.
Elf (2003)
MY FOLLOWERS, to detangle this tale about a human, who was raised by Santa’s elves, who ventures to New York City to find his biological father who happens to be on the naughty list, would take a massive undertaking. For the sake of argument, let’s imagine Buddy was raised by some country farmers, and decides to venture to New York City on Fourth of July to find his biological father who still puts work before his family. This tale would still be one of a fish out of water helping his father see the error of his ways; that family and charity are more important than making sure his company doesn’t post a -8 for this quarter. MINUS EIGHT! Alas, there is no way around it, even if you tried to rewrite Elf to be a summer feel good story, it would just circle back around to be a warmhearted Christmas story.
The Friend
In my attempt to cover as many recent film releases as possible, I stumbled onto this movie The Friend. A literature professor named Iris, played by Naomi Watts, is asked to adopt a Great Dane who previously belonged to her friend, Walter, played by Bill Murray, who unexpectedly passed away. The dog, Apollo, doesn’t really fit into Iris’s solitary life; she is frequently busy with teaching and her own writing, and also lives in a rent-controlled apartment that doesn’t allow dogs. The Friend has the making of a Christmas movie as Iris must learn to accept Apollo as her new family, and even includes a handful of scenes at Christmas.
Yet, the film doesn’t have the charm of the previous films I have shouted atop my soapbox. For starters, you learn that Walter didn’t tragically pass away, but committed suicide, leaving Iris struggling to understand why throughout the whole film. Secondly, Walter comes off as a self-centered womanizer, who was really only a good friend to Apollo. Iris and Walter even had a bit of a one night stand that Walter refused to acknowledge throughout their friendship. She was then forced to watch Walter go through three different marriages. Don’t be fooled by the trailers of this film. It may seem like a tale of a woman and a dog forming their own family, a story that could fit at home at Christmas, but it is aiming to be a more adult story about the complexities of relationships. Some might be looking for that, but in the month of December it didn’t hit the right accord.
The Ugly Stepsister
Speaking of movies that are out of place in December, I present The Ugly Stepsister. Those who frequent my soapbox, might notice that I always attempt to squeeze one or two horror movies I missed at the end of the year. This year, I watched the dark reimagining of the Cinderella fairy tale known as The Ugly Stepsister. We follow Elvira, a daughter of a noble, who has dreams of winning over the heart of the prince. Unfortunately, Elvira, while pretty in her own way, doesn’t match up to the beauty of her step-sister Agnes. Determined to win the prince’s heart she engages in some gruesome body modifications to reach the beauty standards of her peers. With some harrowing scenes, The Ugly Stepsister feels almost like a companion piece to another body horror about the unhealthy beauty standards that we place on women: The Substance. If you have the stomach for it, I highly recommend a double feature of these two movies. Just not in the month of December; yuletide cheer will not be found in either film.