Woe to you, the month of January. Does thou present me with films of note and worthy? Or will you continue to be the month where films quietly die. My loyal followers, come with me to see if redemption is in store for the month of January.
It: Chapter One (2017)
HAIL TO YOU, PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN!!! With the success of Welcome to Derry, it only makes sense to return to the movie that reignited our fear in clowns. Some may write off It: Chapter One as Stephen King slop as it has all his usual trappings: teenage children balancing the struggles of growing up with the danger of a monster devouring their town. Yet this doesn’t take away from the fact that even though all the members of the Loser’s Club are outcasts in their own rights, none are the stereotypes that are commonplace in horror. Between all the child actors and Bill Skarsgard’s Pennywise, It: Chapter One is a masterpiece of acting. I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me Georgie meeting Pennywise is not one of the most haunting scenes in all of horror. Not making time for Welcome to Derry is truly one of my greatest sins as a fan of horror. An injustice that I will correct this year.
We Bury the Dead
FANS OF ZOMBIE FILMS,HEED MY WARNING!!! If you go into We Bury the Dead expecting to watch Daisy Ridley run from zombies as if she’s in 28 Days Later, you will be sorely disappointed. Yes, there are a handful of zombie attacks, including a tense bus scene, but the zombies rarely chase. Zombies might not even be the proper word to describe this breed of undead. The premise of We Bury the Dead is the US military accidentally deploys an experimental weapon that eradicates all life on the island of Tasmania; a few days later, the Australian government discovers some of the dead appearing to be coming back to life. Yet despite their eerie grinding of teeth, the dead have no interest in consuming flesh, but rather lash out in confusion. One dead man even comes back to bury his family, allowing Ridley’s character Ava to kill him and finish off the burial.
So you might be wondering why even have a zombie film if you are not going to have the dead chase the living. We Bury the Dead is more interested in exploring themes of grief and closure. It’s hinted throughout the film that despite the picturesque marriage, Mitch and Ava were experiencing a rough patch just before Mitch’s work retreat to Tasmania. Mitch’s sudden end leaves Ava desperate to do anything to amend the relationship that is both physically and metaphorically dead. I am sure this premise has been done before in other zombie films, but the strong characterization of Ava had me invested in her story. Ridley is also doing more acting here than she did in her three Star Wars films combined. Cheeky digs at Star Wars aside, I am sure this is the art house indie zombie flick that average popcorn movie goers will groan at, but I will still recommend it for its exploration into grief and closure.
The Prestige (2006)
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! Lately, it has been tough to believe in the magic of movies. To believe that you can be transported somewhere far away and all your troubles disappear. This magic seems hard to believe in where more and more movies are giving me feelings of déjà vu. I’ll find myself awaking in a theater wondering why I gave another mundane slasher flick a chance. Much like the audience members in The Prestige, I’ve grown tired of the same cheap card tricks and standard three act story structures. Yet as creatives, we are constantly chasing the next big applause. You can see this hunger in both the film’s main characters, Alfred Borden and Robert Angier, as well as the director Christopher Nolan. Both Borden and Angier continuously push themselves further and further to hear that thunderous applause from the audience. All too simply, as Angier puts it, to look into their faces. The Prestige shows us so much of Nolan’s mindset: from the similarities between the steps of a magic trick to the three act structure to how both movies and magic tricks are about deception to Nolan’s views of the audience. Nolan’s mind is laid bare in this two hour and ten-minute film. The Prestige just might be one of the greatest tricks Nolan has ever pulled.
Primate
HEAR YE!!! HEAR YE!!! With the strong start that We Bury the Dead brought, I felt the urge to chance another January horror film. This time I saw the chimpanzee-based slasher film known as Primate. The movie is exactly what it claims to be on the tin. A family’s pet chimpanzee gets rabies and starts attacking the family members just as Jason Voorhees would attack a camp full of lustful counselors. I was planning on standing atop my soapbox and stating how good the CGI looks in this film, but upon further research, I have learned the titular chimp in the film is a mixture of puppetry and makeup, giving it a life-like quality. We can thank actor and movement specialist Miguel Torres Umba for the stunning performance. Alas, the kills themselves are gory, but feel lacking in creativity. See one chimp rip off someone’s face, see them all. With the slasher genre already being a style of horror I struggle to engage with, because many of them feel rather one-note, the film quickly began to lose me, even with the hour and a half run time. Maybe fans of the genre will be more charitable than I, but seeing this film once was enough for me.
Repo Man (1984)
Another cult classic for you my loyal followers. Repo Man is about a young teen named Otto who takes a job as a repo man, and soon becomes embroiled in a plot regarding a Chevrolet Malibu that might belong to aliens. As a brief snapshot of 1980s Los Angeles, the film is a solid time capsule. Yet the film wants to be this hard punk rocker, but can you really be punk rock when you are repossessing other people’s cars? Fans of alien films will also be disappointed as the alien Chevrolet Malibu doesn’t really pay off in a satisfying way. Repo Man is certainly weird enough to hold my attention on an initial viewing, but I struggle to see a moment when I would choose to rewatch this film. That soundtrack, though, perfectly tickles that punk rock fan deep inside me.
Is This Thing On? (2025)
HEAR YE!!! HEAR YE!!! LOVERS OF STAND UP COMEDY, LEND ME YOUR EAR!!! I have a movie for you: Is This Thing On? The film stars Alex Novak, played by Will Arnett, a middle aged man going through a divorce. In an attempt to find purpose, he starts doing stand up comedy at various New York comedy clubs. I will confess to you, my loyal followers, that even though this film is about stand up comedy, it’s more about drama regarding Alex and his relationship with his ex Tess and their children. Yes, the film is still funny, but it’s a situation where you come for the comedy, but you stay for the deep and complex characters trying to do their best. I recommend Is This Thing On? to fans of comedies and dramas alike.
28 Years Later: The Bone Temple
HAIL TO THE BONE TEMPLE, MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! HAIL TO THIS FILM!!! IF WATCHING RALPH FIENNES DANCE AROUND TO IRON MAIDEN’S THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, IS NOT ENOUGH TO EXCITE YOU INTO WATCHING THIS FILM, THEN GO FIND ANOTHER SOAPBOX PREACHING VAGABOND WHO WILL RANT AND RAVE ABOUT MOVIES!!! YOU ARE NO FOLLOWER OF MINE!!!
In all seriousness, my loyal followers, 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple is everything I wanted and failed to receive from 28 Years Later. This film picks up where the previous film left off. Spike is forced to join sadistic Satanist Jimmy Crystal’s gang who roam the lands making sacrifices to Satan, as Jimmy believes Satan sent the infected virus as an act of cruel wrath. A few miles up the road, Dr. Kelson is able to sedate the Alpha-infected he’s named Samson, and endlessly toils away at a cure for infection plaguing Kelson’s new friend. Much like 28 Years Later, the two stories seem at odds with each other, but merge together in a clash of ideologies as Dr. Kelson is introduced to Jimmy who believes him to be Satan. You begin to see the film as a battle of science vs religion; a fight that seems all too present in our pre-apocalyptic world.
I won’t say The Bone Temple retroactively makes 28 Years Later a better film; it honestly, probably does the opposite when comparing the two. Alas, I am thankful it was able to introduce me to these characters who would star in this masterpiece of a film. Woe to thee who doth not understand and easily dismiss this film.
Return to Silent Hill
“Hate is a child’s word.”
-Gangplank, League of Legends
My followers, I often felt this quote from the League of Legends’ Saltwater Scourge, to be one deliberately edgy for the sake of edge. The character is mainly a fallen pirate lord looking for revenge against the ones who mutinied him. Yet as I walked out of Return to Silent Hill, I couldn’t help but feel the unending rage that this pirate lord felt watching all he built go up in flames. I won’t lay claim that I built Silent Hill 2, but honestly, though it be cliché to say, it certainly has helped build me. From my appreciation of complex characters to my need to hold a mirror to the worst of society, everything I love about psychological horror stems from Silent Hill 2. After watching director Christophe Gans set this story ablaze, I realize hate is a word too small, too simple, too … childish of a word too really describe my deep seeded fury at this movie.
I must confess, my followers, I try not to get outraged at movies that don’t sit with me. I recognize making movies and TV shows is a team sport, and anyone who has worked on a group project knows they don’t always turn out as planned. The closest I have previously been to being furious was Eddington, and that was more like being annoyed that you have to sit next to your Fox-news brainwashed uncle at Thanksgiving. Return to Silent Hill is a beast all on its own. For those unaware this film tries to faithfully recreate the story of Silent Hill 2; a game about a man named James, who receives a letter from his wife telling him to meet her in Silent Hill, even though she’s been dead for three years.
Now, I understand the way video games and movies tell their stories are vastly different, so some things were going to change. I actually think trying to include more backstory on James and his wife Mary, would allow the audience to become invested in the story. Unfortunately, director Christophe Gans claims that he loves every fan theory regarding Silent Hill 2, and wanted to include all of them in Return to Silent Hill. From the need to include all the various endings from the game to the Gans’ unnecessary desire to draw back to his previous Silent Hill films, Return to Silent Hill feels like a Frankenstein monster of ideas and concepts haphazardly stitched together. The cult present in the first Silent Hill movie, but make no appearance in Silent Hill 2, have been rewritten to be responsible for Mary’s affliction. The movie erects a giant neon sign reading “JAMES IS PYRAMID HEAD” not once, but twice. Both Maria or Eddie have so little screen time, I wonder why they were even included at all. You can hear the film asking you to put it out of its own misery as it struggles under the weight of all its half baked ideas.
Yet, the most insulting change that was laid bear to witness was the idea that the characters Angela and Laura are simply parts of Mary’s shattered psyche. If you want to believe that Silent Hill all takes place within James’ head and each character is a manifestation of the various forms of guilt that James feels, then you are more than welcome to interpret the story that way. Yet, I find it incredibly insulting how the film takes that theory in the literal sense and just wipes Laura and Angela away from the narrative. It especially boils my blood when Angela has the darkest tale within the Silent Hill 2 story. My followers, I want you to imagine a story or franchise that means the most to you. If I claimed to love that story enough to make my own version of it, wouldn’t you want me to have enough of a backbone to say that idea doesn’t belong in my version of this story. Do you think Christopher Nolan would have been happy if Heath Ledger tried to do a lighthearted version of the Joker, because that’s how some people view the character? NO, HE WOULD SAY THIS IS MY MOVIE, WE ARE DOING IT MY WAY. YOU ARE THE DIRECTOR, WHY ARE YOU LETTING AN OBSCURE INTERPRETATION DICTATE YOUR MOVIE.
As the memories from this film rush back, I can feel my own rage bubbling back to the surface. It is as if the words “Mary Angela Laura Crane” have become a trigger sequence designed to set me off as if I was the Winter Soldier. Hate will always be too small, too simple, too … childish of a word to describe my disdain and loathing for both this movie and the director who helmed it. If it was my choice, Chistophe Gans would never sit in a director’s chair ever again. Thankfully for him, it is not my call.
The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)
Are there still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity? I don’t think so, Mr. Anderson. I don’t think so.
RoboCop (1987)
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS, many ask me, The Video Game Doomsayer, if a franchise like RoboCop will ever return. I am certainly hesitant to say no, as nothing is truly dead in Hollywood, but I struggle to see a world where it would be successful. It’s hard to be satirical about something when real life has passed it by. How can you chuckle at all the advertisements playing throughout the movie when the streaming services will serve you ads on a paid subscription? How can you smile at all the glorified violence the media shows when we have twenty-four hour news networks? How can we laugh at an ED-209 killing a board member when we are mere years away from police forces having robot dogs with flamethrowers? I have no doubt Jeff Bezos will attempt to resurrect RoboCop himself. Alas, it will be nothing but Alex Murphy as a hollow tin man, because we have fully blown past the point of satire.
Iron Lung
REJOICE!!! REJOICE, ALL WHO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THE SLUMBERING GODS!!! A NEW COSMIC HORROR HAS GRACED US WITH ITS PRESCENE!!! YouTube Mark “Markiplier” Fischbach has heard the whispers of those below, and has chosen to adapt the Iron Lung video game into a full feature picture. For those unwilling to see the ways of the Eldritch Gods, the Iron Lung video game revolves around an apocalyptic event called “The Quiet Rapture” where all the stars in the galaxy vanish. Desperate for answers, humanity discovers a moon with an ocean of blood, and sends a submarine to try to search for clues to what started The Quiet Rapture. The video game has you navigating a sub through this ocean, avoiding crashing into walls and taking pictures with an x-ray camera. The game takes merely an hour to complete; yet Markiplier has the unenviable task of stretching this into a two hour feature film.
The end result is a single-location psychological horror revolving around Markiplier’s character, Simon, trying to make it through the ocean of blood in one piece. Some nonbelievers have described it as too slow, but for me personally, I felt it captured the slower pace of the game itself. I will confess to believing the movie is nowhere near perfection. It is hard to see Markiplier as anybody else beside the YouTuber himself. Even as he is painstakingly charting a course, I could picture him turning to the camera and giving his trademark video intro. The audio mixing also left much to be desired as many characters, especially in the second act, became almost impossible to hear. Alas, the ending to Iron Lung alone is such a spectacle for any fan of cosmic and eldritch horror, that I cannot help but absolve the film of all its past sins. Many will not like this film, but I will praise its glory until the day Cthulhu finally awakes and ends this cruel reality.
See Christophe Gans, that’s how you adapt a video game.