MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS, I come bearing the words of March. A month that will go down in history. A month heralding a generational run in movies. A month making way to a set of movies that hasn’t been seen since 1999. Come forth, my followers, and heed the words of the films that I watched in this month of March.
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! WHAT COULD BE SAID ABOUT SHAUN OF THE DEAD THAT HASN’T BEEN SAID BEFORE? It is one of the best horror comedies out there. It is easily one of Edgar Wright’s best films. It helped kick start both Simon Pegg’s and Nick Frost’s careers. Yet, what I feel is an underappreciated part of the film is how well the film depicts the friendship of Shaun and Ed. Sure the relationship isn’t perfect but what is. In this age of social isolation, we should all aspire to have that one friend we would keep as a zombie in our backyard if they were bitten by a zombie.
Dolly
ALAS, MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! ANOTHER SLASHER FILM THAT LEFT ME ENTIRELY VOID OF FEELINGS!!! The film in question is Dolly, a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-inspired slasher centered around the titular character, Dolly. She is a large woman sporting a porcelain doll mask who kidnaps people in the forest, forces them to play house with her and ultimately plays a little rough with her new toys. The movie starts off with protagonist Macy and her boyfriend, Chase, venturing into the woods for a hike. Macy is anxious about the trip because she suspects Chase is planning on proposing and she’s not sure if she’s ready. However, before Chase is able to pop the question, they are separated and attacked by Dolly. She then drags Macy off to her dark dank home in the woods and forces her to be her “baby.”
I ultimately walked away from Dolly feeling a little gross; yet not in the traditional horror movie sense, but in watching an elderly man catcall a young teen kind of way. I couldn’t escape the thought that someone out there enjoyed the spanking scenes a little too much. On top of that, Macy is never really given an opportunity to overcome her fear of commitment; yes, Chase is able to propose to Macy, but I am sure it is not a spoiler to say that the two of them don’t make it out together. If you are looking for a film to scratch that Texas Chainsaw Massacre itch, I am sure there are worse options out there, and Dolly, the character, is iconic enough to eventually reach a slasher cult following. However, the actual act of watching Dolly made me too nauseous to ever warrant a second viewing.
Alien: Earth (2025)
LEND ME YOUR EARS ONCE MORE, MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! With a handful of days left on the Hulu account, I dove head first into the Alien: Earth series: a prequel series about a Weyland-Yutani research vessel crash landing onto Earth while carrying a xenomorph and other dangerous specimens. As someone who enjoys the first two Alien films, but struggles with newer entries in the series, I walked away from Alien: Earth enjoying my time. Alas, I must confess, I don’t believe Alien: Earth reaches the same heights as Predator: Killer of Killers or a continuation of that story. HEED THOSE TORCHES AND PITCHFORK AND HEAR MY WORDS!!!
Alien: Earth mainly revolves around hybrids, human consciousness uploaded into synthetic bodies. A company named Prodigy, led by young CEO Boy Kavalier, has started a program of taking terminal ill children and giving them a second life through the hybrids. The series is obsessed with this Peter Pan metaphor it’s set up: Boy Kavalier frequently mocks growing up, the main hybrid protagonist adopts the name Wendy, and our main antagonist is a cyborg with a robotic arm. Meaning in this grand metaphor, the xenomorph is left to play the role of the crocodile; a mindless beast that will attack all in its sights. I certainly didn’t expect the series to center around the xenomorph and give it a tragic backstory, but it frequently felt like the xenomorph was left to play second fiddle. When the credits rolled on the final episode, I wasn’t interested in what would happen to the xenomorph; I frankly, wanted to know what would happen to the Trypanohyncha Ocellus (the eyeball monster).
All of this is to say, I certainly think it’s worth watching Alien: Earth. I applaud the eerie and creepy creature design that is on display. Yet, I am simply wondering if it is worth sidelining the xenomorph in what is extensively their own show.
Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
GATHER FORTH, OH LOVER OF FILMS AND HEAR ME DECREE!!! I have laid witness to a film that I believe has flown under the radar. A biting satire about a band being turned into a brand to push teens into spending. That movie is Josie and the Pussycats. Loosely based on the Archie comic series, the film is about Josie and her two friends, Valerie and Melody, and their band’s sudden rise to fame and fortune. Throughout their journey, the film openly mocks the over-consumerism nature that seeped its way into our culture in the late 90s and early 00s, including having their record label embed hypnotic messaging within the girl’s music. I’ll confess to having a deeper fondness for other comedies from the early 2000s, but I would not be displeased if I crossed paths with this movie again. Along with an amazing pop punk soundtrack, I do think everyone should at least see Josie and the Pussycats once in their lives.
Undertone
LEND ME YOUR EARS, ONCE MORE, MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! Many have written off this film, but I proudly stand atop my soapbox to proclaim THAT I LOVED UNDERTONE!!! On the surface it would seem like Undertone doesn’t have much going for it; a horror podcast is sent ten different audio files from a mysterious source. I am sure there are many YouTube videos that have a similar plot. Yet as Undertone tells its story, we are able to see the parallels between the audio files and our protagonist, Evy’s life; to the point where Undertone felt more faithful to the Silent Hill series than the pathetic attempt Return to Silent Hill made. The film also makes excellent use of shadows; often panning the camera to a dark corner of Evy’s room and allowing the audience’s imagination to run wild with the possibility of something lurking in the shadows. That same dread even followed me home and came to life when my eyes caught a glimpse of a dark corner as I was trying to fall asleep. I recommend everyone watch Undertone, but also use the best set of speakers or headphones that you own when watching this film. Audio plays a massive role in this movie, and you don’t want to dampen it by using some crummy phone speakers or cheap earbuds.
Ready or Not 2: Here I Come
HEAR YE!!! HEAR YE!!! LET IT BE KNOWN!!! A good sequel jumps off from the original to explore uncharted territory; a bad sequel wallows in the original like a hippo in the water on a hot summer day. Ready or Not 2 is wallowing so hard that they literally have Grace put on the same bloodstained wedding dress she wore in the first film within the first ten minutes of this sequel.
My loyal followers, I really did try to enjoy myself with the Ready or Not sequel, but I ultimately walked away just wishing I rewatched the original. Mere hours after the events of the first film, Grace is dragged into a double or nothing round of the same hide and seek game she faced in the first film. This time she has to escape from five equally cartoonish ultra rich families, while handcuffed to her baby sister, Faith. On paper these additions would seem like good ways to raise the stakes, but it ultimately just feels like more of the same. Most of the worldbuilding surrounding the wealthy families feels tired and cliché; scenes where heads of families had to sign away their assets in this demonic book really slowed the film down. The ending of Ready or Not 1 let the cat out of the bag on whether the demonic curse was real or just superstition, so it just feels really on the nose to have all the demonic imagery out in the open this time.
They also try to build on Grace’s backstory with the inclusion of Faith, but this also makes the film feel like a drag. From the moment Faith walks into Grace’s hospital room, you can feel the anger and resentment between the two. However, as the film continues, neither of them will clue us into what happened to fracture the relationship. They just keep slinging passive aggressive remarks at each other until the obvious third act reveal where we finally learn what happened to cause them to drift apart. Unfortunately, at that point, the familiar violence and unbearable sister dynamic had me thoroughly checked out; making the reveal feel like a too little too late moment. Also the humor in this film is completely unbearable. I don’t recall Ready or Not 1 being a horror comedy, but Ready or Not 2 is imploring some Marvel-level quips here. The second someone made a remark about Grace and Faith having similar religious names, I knew there were going to be some embarrassingly bad attempts at humor. I think you are safe to skip this one.
Project Hail Mary
A CONFESSION FOR YOU, MY LOYALEST OF FOLLOWERS: I think the Project Hail Mary film is better than the book. PLEASE BOOK-LOVERS!!! HEED YOUR TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!!! ALLOW ME TO MAKE MY CLAIM UNHARMED!!!
In a rare moment of clarity, I decided to listen to the audiobook of Project Hail Mary in preparation for the film. I instantly fell in love with such a nerdy yet heart-warming tale of a schoolteacher awaking in space on a mission to save the Sun from being consumed. However, I also became weary of the movie. For starters, I felt Ryan Gosling was a poor choice for the dweeby nature of Ryland Grace. I picture Ryan Gosling being at home in cool but insecure characters; look to Colt Seavers in The Fall Guy for more context. So hearing Gosling was going to play Ryland Grace, a character who spends a whole chapter outlining the migration pattern of space algae, I had my doubts. Yet the film makes the smart choice to shed a lot of excess weight of the science jargon in exchange for focusing on the characters themselves. Without the need to give long, excessive science-based monolunges, Gosling fits perfectly into this doughy dork that is Ryland Grace.
The movie also had many more heartfelt scenes that weren’t included in the original book. A certain character, that I won’t spoil, lost a lot of their snarky humor in exchange for off-the-cuff improv humor that made the character much more endearing compared to their book counterpart. Despite knowing how the scene was going to play out, I genuinely felt a tear race down my cheeks when it looked like this character had sacrificed himself for Grace. I also began to cry during the karaoke scene as it gave Eva Stratt, a character who is cold and calculated in both the book and movie, a scene that showcased that she did have a heart and many of her hard decisions weighed heavily on her.
My followers, I could go on and on about the beauty of this film. How scenes like the Home Depot one, gave some levity to an almost apocalyptic tale. How the puppetry and practical effects made a world that felt hundred times more realistic than any Marvel’s green screens. How some of my favorite lines were completely adlibbed. There is zero doubt in my mind that Project Hail Mary will be one of the best films of the year and this only came out in March. Do yourself a favor and see this movie.
Ghost in the Shell (1995)
AGAIN, YIELD YOUR TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS, MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS!!! I will confess to you that I struggle to see a moment where I would want to rewatch Ghost in the Shell. I will certainly not slander its name by claiming it to be a bad film. I just view Ghost in the Shell the same way that I view The Beatles. There is no doubt both were pivotal to be science fiction and rock music, but so much has come out since their heyday and built upon what they already started. If I am truly looking to scratch the sci-fi itch, I feel like I would turn to The Matrix or Ex Machina before I return to this film. Ghost in the Shell will always have my respect, but I doubt there will be a day where it has all of my adoration.